I Always Have a Choice

I'm not gonna lie...these last few weeks have been hard.  But, I can't lie and say that it has been unbearable.  I have had family and friends to help me.  I also have my Heavenly Father, who calms me when I am afraid, holds me when I feel alone, is my strength when I am weak,  and my light in the darkness. 

He has heard my prayers and He is answering them.  He sees into the depths of my wicked and sinful heart and loves me anyway.  He knows each and every secret I try to hide from everyone...and still He loves me.  He knows my doubts, my fears, my every weakness...and still loves me.  He still longs to be with me.  He still misses me when I am not running to Him.  I know I don't deserve His love, mercy and forgiveness.  But, like a beautiful gift, I have it.  I am loved.  I am cherished.  I am made in His image.  I am His daughter.  I am His because He first loved me.  I am so blessed.

Even though this life throws me difficulty (and it has been difficult), even though I feel at times I don't have the strength go on, I know He is there.  He never leaves me. 

In the midst of the chaos of my life, God has given me a gift.  He has given me a desire to get in shape, lose weight, take time for ME.  It is in those times that I feel His presence all the more.  I have been working at this getting in shape and losing weight thing for a while - longer than I wanted.  I am still a work in progress.  BUT - I have made progress.  God is using this running thing I do to teach me things about myself.  Lots of things.  He is showing me that I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I never thought I would be able to run 1 mile .... or 3.1.  He has shown me that I am stronger than I thought. 

This last week I signed up to run in the Chicago Hot Chocolate 5k Run.  I signed up first, sort of believing that I could do this.  I have accomplished something this last week I never thought I could.  I ran 3.1 miles. Not once, but twice!   I proved to myself that I could do it!  I have been so encouraged by those in my life who believed in me more than I believed in myself.  My husband, Scott, has allowed me to run when I get home from work and let dinner be later.  He encourages me to put myself first in this matter.  My kids, Bailey, Mackenzie and Molly have all encouraged me to do the 5K.  Other family members support me.  My nieces, nephews, sisters, mom all support me.

Friends from all over the country have been such an encouragement to me.  Friends in Atlanta, GA, Florida, Indiana, Michigan, Ohio, Connecticut, Illinois, and North Carolina to mention a few, all have been such a help.   From training help to comments of support and accountability, it has all helped.

This is a journey for me.  It is more than a 5K, it is more than a race, it is more than getting healthier.  It is a rediscovery of who I am now that my kids are older, now that I have a career, a ministry, a new and different life.  My role of mom, wife and friend is all growing, changing and evolving.  I look forward with great hope and anticipation of what wonderful things God has in store for me....even though it might be difficult.  It is through the difficult times that we grow the most and where God reveals himself to us.  I know I am not alone.  I know God has what is best for me in mind.  I trust Him ALONE.... All of my worries, all my cares, I bring to the Mercy Seat and leave them there....

Week 2

Here she is...just two weeks after surgery!  I can't believe it!  She is looking so good.  Her attitude and physical health are so good.  God is answering every prayer one at a time...in the perfect time.  We specifically prayed that the surgery time would be shorter than expected, that she would not have much (or any) bruising, that she would not be in great pain, that her spirits would be good and that she would heal fast...those are the answered prayers to date.  There are still some to be answered.  But God is so good. He is faithful.  He is mighty.  He is being gracious to my Bailey.

She still has some swelling and is struggling with her speech and the stuff in her mouth.  Yesterday she was a bit grumpy.  I could tell that she wasn't being her normal self.  She was just grumbling....not really complaining...just a bit short with everyone.  I took her in my arms and stroked her hair and just held her while she cried.  I told her it was OK to be grumpy....she had earned it.  I told her she didn't need to put on the face of being strong, that her dad and I and her sisters were here for her and she could depend on us.  I reminded her that God was her strong tower - to run to Him.  I reminded her to take all her burdens all her cares to the Mercy Seat and leave them there.  There we stood, holding each other, crying in the kitchen....then we looked at each other and smiled at each other because we knew we were in this together with our Father in Heaven in charge of everything....  Then she made this.... a yummy, almost healthy shake made of fruits, yogurt and spinach....she is getting creative in her drinks. 

Now for some pictures of the inside of her mouth as best we can see it.  Keep in mind that her upper jaw is wired to her skull holding it place.  There is also a splint in between her upper and lower teeth that stabilizes her upper jaw as it was widened (split) 10 mm or 1 cm!  Her lower jaw is wired to the upper jaw as well.  There is also stitches all around the upper and lower jaw at the gum line...  There are screws in her lower and upper jaw that anchors the wires.  Her teeth are also wired together.  You'll see it all below......

The green bands that you see are from the braces.  The white middle piece is the splint.  This helps stabilize the upper and lower jaw while it heals and also holds the upper palate in place as the cartilage fills in from where it was split.

The wires going down under her lip will be better seen in the next photo where they are anchored to the lower jaw.....

 

You can see here the screws holding the wires from the teeth to the lower jaw.  This picture makes my stomach turn.  I can hardly look at it.  They will be removed in about 6 weeks.....

To the left you can see a wire that looks like it is going up into her face under the lip...it is.  That is one of four wires that go up to her facial skull that holds the upper jaw to the skull.....

If you look at the her front teeth in the earlier picture you can see that her front two teeth are separated.  They weren't before the surgery.  The separation occurred when they split the palate!  The braces were even cut to allow that.

It's a lot to take it in.  But she is doing well.  She has numbness still on her upper lip and cheeks half way up her face.  The feeling came back on her lower lip and chin area.  Little by little she can feel tingling in the other areas.  She also says that when she smiles or laughs she can feel the wires that are connected inside her face on her cheek area and that is uncomfortable.  Again, I am amazed at her attitude and all that she is doing.  She has gone back to school and is driving, shopping and going to flags.  She isn't afraid to talk about it at all and when I ask her for photos for this or for Facebook she is always more than willing to let me add pictures.  If you know her and have questions or want to see anything, she will be happy to answer your questions and let you see her mouth.   I know she has bad days and struggles.  I know she hates the way all this feels, I know she would love to sink her teeth into a juicy burger, crunchy taco or yummy chicken curry, but she has 6 more weeks.  I'll show how she eats in one of my next posts.  It is a pretty big ordeal...but so is talking and brushing teeth for her these days.  All things I take for granted.....

Changes

Life around here is not the same.  Some changes are little, like going back to school...Some are more drastic, like the change in the face of my beautiful girl.  It's one thing to say you have faith, it's another to live it out. I believe God has a plan in all this.  I believe He wants good things for Bailey.  I believe He is doing something in her that will be accomplished through this time.  But what I am surprised at is what He is doing in me at the same time.  That is a post for another time.  I think I need to process it all more before I share it.

So...changes. When I first saw Bailey in the ICU after surgery, the first thing she said on the white board was, "all my teeth touch!"  That was followed by "I can breath through my nose!"  Two things she couldn't do before.  To give you an idea of the change compare the next pictures.

 These before and after are taken approximately 2 weeks apart.  Bailey still has some swelling in her cheeks and lips.  What is amazing to everyone - including the Surgeon is that she had VERY minimal bruising! 

 

The most dramatic change is in the profile.  Keep in mind her upper jaw was moved forward and tipped.  Her lower jaw was shortened and moved backward and tipped.  The roof of her mouth, or palate was widened 10 mm. 

I'll post more pictures of the inside of what we can see of her mouth later tonight.  But I will warn you, it is NOT for the faint of heart.  Until then, its off to work.  I pray for her each and every day as she is on this difficult journey. 

Back to the Track!

This has been a busy morning for me.  I woke up at 5:00 AM to start the day.  The girls were meeting me outside for our annual first day of school pictures (those are coming next along with a Bailey update) at 6:15ish.  We were all leaving in different cars for the start of the day.  Bailey to go to McHenry Community College with two friends for her Nursing Dual Credit class (she will get high school AND college credit for this class), Mackenzie to take our 2nd car and go pick up a friend and Molly to head in early to start her first day of high school.  I had Physical Therapy at 7:00 am and a Dr. appointment at 8:00.  

Physical Therapist said I was good to go and he was recommending that I be done with PT! AHHH the moment I had been waiting for!  Now to get the OK from the Orthopedic Dr.  After a thorough exam he said that I was prone for this happening again since I have a very tight Achilles tendon.  He gave me regular stretches and exercises to do and then gave me the ok to resume my training!  YAY!! 

He then cautioned me.  He said since I was prone to this injury due to my Achilles, that it is possible that surgery is in my future...  I told him I would worry about then IF the time ever came.  Until then I plan on doing my stretches, doing my training, continuing my weight loss and riding my bike on alternate days of running.  11 Week Goal now:  20- 25 pounds more in loss, 5K and a healthier me!  Those of you who said you would run it with me....get ready!  I am signing up this week!  It is the Hot Chocolate Run in Chicago.  November 6th, 2010  http://www.hotchocolate15k.com/ 

Bonus!  You get a ZIPPY HOODIE!  and there is chocolate fondue, bars and other goodies a the end of the race!...nom nom...

On your Marks!!  Get Set!!!....

Road to Recovery

She's come a long way - and still has a long way to go. 

I said goodbye to the face on the left and 6 hours later I met the face on the right.  She was still my Bailey, my fresh girl, my baby, my sweetie.  When I entered her ICU room I searched her eyes for something, anything from her to find out what she was feeling and thinking.  I wanted to hold her, touch her, take her all in.  I wondered if she was in pain, discomfort, was she sad, scared, had she seen herself yet? 


My first questions were answered when she held out her arms for me to come to her and hold her!  Just was I was longing to do.  I held her and wept.  I wept for the loss of her beautiful face, for the beautiful repaired face, I wept for my girl going through such a difficult thing, I wept for God's goodness and mercy that all had gone so well.  I wept because I did not deserve such a gift as her. She motioned for her white board we had brought with and the first thing she wrote was, "All my teeth touch!", something she had never been able to do!  She was so happy about that.  Next was her discovery that she could breath out of her nose!  Both sides!  Something else she hadn't been able to.  The changes done to her allowed both of those things to be possible.  Now all I had to do was adjust to the changes I could see with my eyes....
    

Bailey was afraid to go home, I was afraid to take her home.  We were given instructions on feeding, basic care and when to use the wire clippers - pretty much never use them unless she has stopped breathing and needs CPR.  Gently we packed her into the car.  We kept checking off those things that were now behind us and could move forward.  Things like the surgery, getting the oxygen tube out, getting the stomach tube out, standing up, walking, trying to talk, using the food tube.  Each day we will check off more...each day we move closer to getting the wires off and seeing the finished product.





We got her home and settled in with ice bags and blankets, a pillow and surrounded her with love and support.  Soon friends would begin to pour in the house.

Next came the job of tackling the feeding tube and all the fears that went with that.  We started with something yummy like a Jamba Juice.  After many attempts we fished the tube in her mouth and was able to get nourishment to her.  Another event to put behind us and check off.  

The next blog entry will show her before, and after shots from the front and side views.  We continue to be amazed at the number of people praying for her from all over the country.  There are people praying for my little girl who have never met her, but who know and love me.  This fact is blessing her and encouraging her a lot.  There are people praying from California, and North Carolina, from Florida to Minnesota.  We continue to see God answering these prayers.  We continue to call on His grace, mercy and strength.  I am tired, I am scared at times, I am overwhelmed at times.  None of this, though compared to what my little girl, my baby, my Bailey, is going through.  We feel the arms of God holding us, leading us, guiding us and answering us.  He is faithful and good.  I am thankful for all He has done with Bailey and our family.  To God be the glory, great things He has done....  more later 

A hard day for this Mom and Dad

My beautiful girl, my first born, my precious child - Bailey.  She is strong, compassionate, determined, wise beyond her years and loved by all who know her. 

This is the day we have been anticipating for 4 years.  It is a bittersweet day for sure.  Bailey has a jaw disorder, "developmental musculoskeletal jaw malrelationship" or "maxillary hpyerplasia and mandibular hyperplasia" contributing to a significant functional, developmental musculoskeletal jaw malrelationship. WOW...

Although this will improve her profile and facial look, it is by NO means a cosmetic procedure.  This was a necessary surgery. 

She will have her upper jaw detached (yes from the skull) and rotated (tilted) up, and repositioned, her lower jaw detached and shortened and rotated up.  They also need to split the roof of her mouth and widen it 10mm (yep, that is 1 cm - look on a ruler to see how much!).  Her jaw is in part being reattached using wires and also a mix of her own platelet rich plasma mixed with a chemical and cadaver bones to make a "caulk" of sorts.  This mixture will speed healing, have less bleeding and less oozing.  It is pretty amazing stuff!

This surgery will take 6-8 hours and will be in the hospital only overnight.  She will have 4 permanent stainless steel wires left in her face.  She will wired shut for 8+ weeks!  That means she will be fed through a syringe.  Her food will be all liquid and needs to be the consistency of water.  No solid type foods allowed - including seeds from raspberries and tic tacs!  Food will be prepared in a blender or will be protein drinks, smoothies etc.  After her wires are removed in 8 weeks she will need to work on jaw mobility.  She will not be able to open her mouth very wide for a few weeks.

Bailey, who wants to be a nurse, was amazingly calm.  Mostly due to the amount of friends and family praying for her.  She is in good hands.  Her calmness was a comfort to me.  She is anxious to put this waiting behind her and move on to what God has in store for her.

Saying goodbye as she was wheeled away was painful.  As she went down the hallway I knew that was the last time I would see her beautiful face as it was now - the only face I have ever known.  She is so beautiful now, but I know when this is all done and over, she will have the face that God intends for her to have.  She is an amazing young lady.  Her dad and I are so blessed that God is allowing us to raise her.  As this journey unfolds, I am sure we will be seeing God's goodness and grace. 

When we were driving in at 5:30 AM, the sunrise was pretty cool.  Mist and fog on the ground and rays of sun peaking out of gray clouds.  I was reminded of her middle name...DAWN.  Scott and I chose that because her delivery when she was born was quite difficult.  Scott would sing to me.  One song, "Great is Thy Faithfulness", an old hymn, brought great comfort.  A line in the hymn, "morning by morning new mercies I see" was especially meaningful as I went into my 4th day of labor (yes 4th).  So, my Bailey DAWN, is a reminder that God's mercies are new every morning.  I am sure I will see His mercies each morning with this journey.

Best Friend! - family of Heroes

Heroes - a strong word.  It fits only a few people in my life.  The Zeldenrust family is counted among the few in my life. "Dad", "Mom" (Bob and Joan) Zeldenrust welcomed me into their family from the beginning.  The beginning was 9th grade for me.  Mary, my BFF from high school to today, was a year ahead of me in school.  Laurie and Steve completed the family.  I was welcomed for dinner, sleep overs, vacations in CanCun, weekends at the Cottage in Michigan, and so much more! 

These two special people showed me what a Christian home was and demonstrated Christ-like love to me!

Due to unfortunate circumstances, I did not have my father walk me down the isle when I got married.   Instead, "Dad" Zeldenrust walked me down the isle, all the while making sure I didn't "get down" and fall! 

He was so much a father figure to me!  I felt loved and disciplined from him.  Some of my favorite memories include crazy adventures in CanCun (para sailing, Sandy, Razor Grass, biking to name a few), fun times at the cottage and him letting us drive his Mustang GT BOSS  oh, and Mary and I sneaking out his Corvette!

Mary and I share so many memories and secrets!  We have been through a lot together. We had classes together, went to dances with our dates together, got into mischief together, worked together, shared burdens, hardship, struggle.  We have talked about boyfriends, husbands, children and secrets.  We have laughed and cried together.  We have been "private detectives" security guards, cleaning ladies, waitresses, spies and double dates.  We have stayed up and talked until all hours of the night as teens and adults.  She never judges me, never thinks poorly of me, she always loves me and looks out for me.  She comforts me when I am sad, lifts me up when I am down, advises me when I cannot see my way, rejoices with my successes and encourages me to follow dreams.  I couldn't ask for a better best friend than Mary.  She is so very beautiful on the inside and out.  Laughter is the music we listen to when we are together.  I love so much how we have the same sense of humor and all it takes is a look to know what the other one is thinking.  All it takes is a sentence, an inside joke, a memory to make us laugh so hard we cry!

She is my BEST FRIEND!

I wish we lived closer... we would be shopping, hanging out, exercising, laughing and making memories each time we were together.  However,  I am grateful that we are only about 90 minutes apart.  So now, because our children are older, we are embarking on a new phase of  our friendship. 

We have time now to go to concerts, meet for dinner, meet for shopping, talking on the phone and getting away together, like best friends are supposed to do. I look forward to our girlfriend time and to getaway weekends, travel and more time to laugh and make memories.

Our friendship has withstood the test of time.  It only gets better as we do.  Thank you Mary for sharing your self,  your life, your family with me.  I love you!

I Had a Choice

Twenty years ago today I was working as a Youth Director in Elgin, IL.  I was having a car wash to raise funds for the youth in my youth group to go to Summer Youth Camp.  A young man pulled in with a cool Jeep to get washed.   He inquired about who was in charge.  I was.  A conversation ensued. A number was given.  Two lives were changed.

Just the night before I had gone to Willow Creek's Singles Ministry at the urging of friends.  Although I had met several men that night, I did not have a good feeling about it and went home and wept.  That night I told God that I really wanted to be a wife and mother.  I asked Him to show me that was what HE wanted for me as well.

Back to the car wash...

This rugged man pulls into the youth car wash to get it washed for a blind date that night.  As we talked, he somehow managed to get my number from me, "for a friend who recently moved here with his wife".  As we talked it turns out that his friends just happened to live in the same townhouse complex as I did. He succeeded in getting my number!  That in its self was a miracle!  I didn't think anything would come from this exchange...boy I couldn't have been more wrong.  I couldn't have known then that God was beginning to answer my prayers!

That night, two youth group girls, Heather and Kathy, were spending the night at my house.  Scott called me to meet his friends (his blind date stood him up and he went over to his friends' house, and they convinced him to call me), the girls ran around my room with perfume, hair curlers and clothes to dress me up to go meet him.  I reluctantly went over to meet his friends (and him).  At his friends place they all asked me to go with them to the Wisconsin State Fair two days later.  As I said yes, I wondered what the heck I was doing going out of state with all these people I did not know!!!

So, two days later I found myself at the Wisconsin State Fair with a date and two other people I did not know.  I was treated like a princess and felt like one.  Conversation flowed and I found a compassionate man who had been through many trials and difficulties.  A man who was sensitive and strong.  A man who was a dreamer, a free spirit and adventuresome! A good match for a type A personality, who needed to loosen up!

That first date that lasted about 19 hours!  From that day on we have gone to the fair each year, bringing our children as we had them.  Now they look forward to going each year as we celebrate our meeting and God's plan and purpose for us.  We had a blast as we dated and got to know each other. 

We had some amazing dates...going to New York state to meet Cheri and Kirk, the romantic picnic/date at Ferson Creek Park (the place Scott says he 'fell in love with me on a May day'), Kane County Flea Market, Mini Golfing, Swimming, concerts, Chicago, the Dunes and so many more. 

At just the right time in both of our lives, God had our paths cross.  Now, 20 years after meeting for the first time at the car wash in Elgin we celebrate our love, friendship and journey that God has in store for us. That day 20 years ago I had a lot of choices...do I give him my number? do I go meet his friends? do I go to the Wisconsin State Fair? do I return his phone call for the second date?  do I pursue this relationship?  At each next step I had a choice....any different response would have lead to a much different ending...